Allowing the Storms to Pass
The Year 2015 did not start as a clean slate for me… quite a messy one, actually. Literally, after organizing and cleaning, I discovered a serious leak on Christmas Day… it was just fixed yesterday, two weeks later. I now have hot and cold running water. One of the many beautiful luxuries of my life, and I say that with all sincerity.
I still need walls and floors fixed, but it's good to be on the mend. Maybe the external mess added to my internal mess, and as much as I hate to bore people with my problems, I think it might be helpful to share the following:
I had a beautiful Christmas, including presents and sitting around with my Ex, his girlfriend, and my kids for 4 hours in my kitchen… Oh, how far we have come and that's truly wonderful. A gorgeous day with my siblings and mom and her friends followed, topped off with a visit to Mark's house for dessert. Perfection… even after discovering a leak.
But then a storm brewed. For about 5 or 6 days there were very dark clouds over me; heavy, and raining down stories all over me. These were the usual self-doubt stories of failure, bad mothering, unattractiveness, no purpose to life, bla bla fucking bla….
But I did something very consciously this time: I simply observed - something I've been practicing for years but was very disciplined about this time because it felt as though the stakes were high… like I might scar my soul if I didn't trust in this process. I can't explain if it was hormones, age, grief over lost loved ones, or that I simply ate too much crap, but these stories were loud - and mean.
So I observed, and let them rain down… straight down the drain. I just observed them and didn't let them puddle and hang around and turn into gross muddy messy stuff. I just looked through the rain and let those stories run down the metal grates in the streets. I acknowledged them but just said "yeah yeah yeah… just keep moving along, down the drain with you." I can't say I lived very effectively or productively during this week. But I took care of things and let my kids know that it was NOT about them and that I was just having some blue days. I knew I couldn't be perfect (never am) but I was in soul-damage control mode.
I will tell you… I was scared. I thought I may never be my happy self again. I think as we get older and the losses get heavier it's easy to think we might lose our positive attiutude and love for life FOREVER. I wasn't sure if it would just rain louder and harder and drown me. Some that know me would be surprised to hear that; the idea that I could ever lose my love for life or not be happy and upbeat. Yes, I genuinely love being here in this life, but I am human… and for all you sunny people out there, I'm sharing this, because I know there are dark days and we feel like frauds in those moments. I am lucky enough to have some serious love in my life that I could remind myself was somewhere at the end of this tunnel, but the fear was real.
There is no sudden Sun Breaking Through moment here. But the clouds gradually did move away. New Year's came and I saw my wonderful friends, I found comfort in my love's arms, and I learned of some resolution to the tangible problems happening in my home. But it was deeper than that. As the storm cleared, I realized that it was ABLE to clear without leaving wreckage, puddles, and a scarred soul behind because I gave it no destructive power. I mostly took care of life and moved forward, in faith that things wouldn't always feel like this. I did not listen to the ugly stories raining down and can't even tell you exactly what they were anymore.
And that feels like a victory.
I would love to hear about your little victories too.