New Vows for Modern, Egalitarian Love?

What do marriage vows really mean? "To honor and respect" or "to love and to cherish" ?? What does that actually look like in action? And what do men and women really want and need in relationship? We don't get married for land rights anymore (for the most part, in our culture) so what is it that we are seeking?

There are differences between men and women, of course. They have different priorites in love. What I mean is that, if asked to rank in their desires in order of importance, though the order of that list would probably be very different, the content of that list would look very, very similar.

So in my non-married-marriage of sorts (8 years together, no plans for it, lots of kids to raise) these are the promises we already make to each other and what I would encapsulate should we decide to throw one of those parties with the white dress and cake 'n such.

He says:

I promise to hold space for you to grow and expand and be as strong, brilliant, and sensual as you can possibly dream for yourself. I also promise to be a safe, loving place for you to rest when you are at end of your conquering day. I promise to hear you, see you, and hold you through your pain and also to hear you, see you, and celebrate with you your joy. I promise to accept your limitations as you accept mine as we promise to cherish and be gentle with each other’s hearts. Above all, my dream is to choose you everyday, choose to believe in your competence and trust your intent... and every day, to remind you of the precious gift that I see you as: My gift in this life.

She says:

That part about believing in your competence? That would probably be #1 on a man's list. The part about reminding you that you are precious? Probably high on a woman's list. Everyone is unique, and well-matched couples compliment each other in their needs.

If I'm being completely honest, and opening myself up to critique, I might add: "and if I find myself unable to authentically love you this way, then I promise to set you free, because I love you enough that, even if it's not with me, I want you to feel as happy, loved, and appreciated as possible."

Imagine being in relationship knowing that you would be whole and perfect even if it fell apart. Imagine seeing your lover through that lens... knowing he could be whole and perfect without you... and being happy for him and proud that you may have had a little to do with building up his self-worth. Scary? Yes! Liberating too. The freedom to let go is the freedom to love fully. It's something to aspire to, that's for sure.

Love hard. Love happy. <3

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